Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Enjoy the penises
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize