I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
