i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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