i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
