Someone shit on the floor
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
