I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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