I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
it was like eating out sand paper
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i dont even know how to be here
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
