I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
