as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
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