her vagine was all disorganized.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
