I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
