people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
