he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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