I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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