Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
