i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
