I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
