I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
If I die, sorry about rent.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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