apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize