just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Randomize
