Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
