Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Randomize
