I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
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