On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
