you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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