The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
