I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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