i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
