I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
my shit smells like andre
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
