Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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