Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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