Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
