My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
