your parents love me but you hate me
I will die if light touches me.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
