His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
