The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
