my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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