textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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