I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
