You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
