i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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