You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
