...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
