i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
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