I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
