Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
