By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
