I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
2020 sucks, I want a refund
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
