oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
NoShamevember. You game?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
