it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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