on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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