i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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