He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
