i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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