Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
He passed out mid-signature
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
