Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
