see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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